The Elite Forum
The Big Three Plus One => General Chat => Topic started by: tharixer on November 14, 2019, 11:16:30 pm
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This thread is a small deviation the usual. I've always felt like i needed to get something off my chest because i struggle with a lot of internal demons, and people in this community have helped me tame these demons or have made them easier to deal with. I've always felt ashamed to post in the discord elite lobby about what i'm going through since i just feel like i'm being a bother and i ultimately kill the mood (same goes for voice chat) so i figure the best way to get things out is a thread about it. I'm sorry if this is inappropriate and if you feel like i need to keep things very serious all the time, i'm just trying my best in what helps me in life and i know from first hand experience that keeping things bottled up doesn't lead to any good.
My goal with this thread is for people to share something. To have honesty and transparency with your life situation, you as a human being, how you are feeling etc. If people do choose to share something as large scale as my own wall of text, they are to be treated with utmost respect. Everyone has struggles and it's never about who has it worse. Because in the grand scheme of things it's easy to brush off your own issues and say "oh but he has it worse so i shouldn't be complaining." It's not a contest, you are valued here. Also i'm not here to pressure you into talking about an area you may not be comfortable with, that is to be respected as well. If you do want to share something very small though that's welcome too.
The things you can share includes but is not limited to:
- Things you struggle with on a daily basis
- Your come-up story. How you managed to beat a previous existing issue in your life
- Something you dislike about your current or past self
- Trauma
My story
This is all going to be very scattered so i apologize in advance.
The first thing that i feel annoyed about is how i should in theory feel privileged that i live in Denmark. It's one of the wealthiest countries in the world and yet i still somehow manage to come down at the bottom of the food chain, with anxiety, depression, poverty and general motivation issues. Just because you're from Denmark doesn't mean that you're automatically rich and i most certainly am scraping the bottom as i am writing this. I feel like I'm stuck in a limbo where anxiety and addiction is taking over my life. I currently work sort of a UberEats job where i go to restaurants, pick up food and deliver it to the customer on my bike. My bike is in horrible condition. It's noisy, the seat is hard as a rock, my lights don't work so i am in danger of myself and others, the bike is stuck in 2nd gear and it's incredibly inefficient and impossible to bike on uphill. I need this bike to make money to get food for my mom and i. I choose my own hours at work so i can go online whenever i want and go offline whenever which is nice because anytime i go uphill it severely cuts how long i can work for because my back and legs are in pain. When i get home i have to rest for a day usually before i can go out again tomorrow just because it's that physically exhausting. Not having money for a new bike really sucks. The other solution is to get a different job and i will get to that.
In 2014 i barely scraped by finishing high school with what was around 20 to 25% absence of school attendance. I failed math and got grades that barely passed for my final exams so even if i wanted to go to uni i would have to redo a ton of courses, but anyhow. Since i finished school i have been sitting in my room for about 3 years. I tried making streaming work, i tried playing professional Overwatch at one point but for the most part i just felt like my life was over. It took THREE full years to build up the courage to apply for a job at Wolt which is where i work now. I struggle with a lot of anxiety, and i always consider everything possible before i apply or go out for anything. And i feel like the fact that i wasn't on a schedule, helped me know that if i was depressed just 1 day and was stuck in bed, i wouldn't get fired. I'm still amazed that i managed to take that step to apply for my first job after 3 years of doing fuck all with my life. I think it's a big step but for some reason i'm never satisfied and i never seem to be happy with the small steps i take in life even though i know it's the right thing to do. Getting a different job gives me goosebumps to just think about. I do not trust myself to be able to get out of bed everyday for work right now. I don't want to let a company or a workplace down just because i'm a mess. Right now i go to work maybe twice a week, whenever i find the courage and whenever my body is fully healed up. I'm saving money for a new bike, a new chair, new headphones or an appointment for a hole in my tooth, but i'm far off from that one. My parents are divorced and i live with my mom who is retired and is in her mid 50s. She retired due to PTSD from being in the yugoslavian civil war and for having her disks inside of her spine literally grinded to nothing, so she suffers from severe back pain and headaches. I also try to take care of her but i'm far from the best son and i don't always treat her right..
As for my online life i feel like i threw away a viewerbase a little bit. I was gaining a lot of attention to my channel playing PS2 classics like Sly Cooper, Ratchet & Clank and Jak & Daxter but eventually i got bored and wanted to try something in speedrunning that is a bit more traditional and hardcore. As you all know i became a decent perfect dark runner but with that my entire viewerbase just tanked to 0. I still enjoy playing jak from time to time, but i've been running the same game and categories since 2012 so i can only play for 1-2 weeks before i get burnt out whereas in 2012/2013 i could grind for months on end and have fun with it no problem. This killed a major source of income for me and i was always INCREDIBLY stingy with donations/subs and stuff. Many people know me to have removed my donation button at some point, talking about releasing my partner status with twitch and just doing stuff that doesn't incentivize giving me money. I've always hated money. Focusing on making money, getting money, the concept of being rich was never appealing. Now that i'm the situation where i am pretty much broke there's a part of me that hates myself for not just selling out a bit more to have a more stable life, the other half of me is proud that i never gave in to those temptations but look where that got me. I've always had this constant split of my own views on money, where i can't ever seem to adapt to the social standards that you need money to live. I've had lots of people say that if they were partner and if they were in my shoes they would have gone really hard, and it only makes me feel even worse. Like there's something wrong with me. Like i'm stupid or something. I recall Bill wurtz (creator of the video "History of the entire world i guess") once saying that he didn't put ads on his video because he didn't feel like it. Keep in mind this video has almost 100 million views. As odd as that may seem it was something i really connected with as i've been asked when i do good elaborate youtube videos why i don't put ads on my videos, and it's as simple as "i don't like them so i don't want others to see them." I don't ever consider the money aspect whatsoever.
Right now nothing is really looking up for me at all. I'm going to have to tell my family i don't want to show up to any of their Christmas events because my anxiety is getting so painfully bad that i can't handle being around everyone. My cousins have wives, are mechanics or electricians with multiple cars and a house and I'm a complete black sheep compared to them. I often get asked what i do and how i even make money and it's always met with disappointment on their face. I'm a very picky eater and every time i get asked at a christmas dinner why i am not eating anything they don't understand. And when they get me something i do like and i still don't eat it they are confused or feel offended when in reality i can have eating blockades because of anxiety. It's not a public thing, it can happen to my own cooking. I often struggle with random heart rates in the 130s for no good reason and it's probably another anxiety symptom.
I wanted to revive PD Speedlore with goose but i feel like i'm going to have to let him down because i literally cannot afford a webcam to be on the show at all, and it's a shame because i really do love PD and i feel like i have some stories i could tell.
I've struggled to shower regularily since i was 12 years old. Call me gross, call me whatever you want but i've never been able to take them daily, fuck i can't even keep a "every other day" schedule consistent. I take anywhere from 20 minutes to 4 hours to get out of bed every day, and i often struggle to feed myself for no good reason (maybe computer addiction but who knows.) I have a lot of bad habits i've built over the years and i've been very depressed for a while thinking about how i can get myself to break these habits and overcome my anxiety with the little motivation i have to ... live.. sometimes.
I remember in November of 2018, i was still a relatively new member to the community and i encountered some absolutely insane and severe anxiety symptons i've never witnessed before. For roughly 2 months straight. It felt as if my insides were shaking, it's like having shivers in the cold but it was my insides. It felt like i was going to die at some points, but at the same time, that rough period made me want to live more than i've ever wanted to live ever. I have a twitch highlight of me expressing my feelings during this time and you can see how many tissues of paper i go through from crying, that's how painful these symptons felt (https://www.twitch.tv/videos/342372333?filter=highlights&sort=time). I felt so endangered that i ran long kilometers every day, and meditated daily to beat this rough period i was going through. When i attended MOAM 2019/AGDQ 2019 i still had these symptons and when i left i was having a small breakdown on the plane on the way back, i felt like it wasn't fair how i thought being together with my friends SHOULD have been what solved it. So when i got home i went to my mom and i cried the hardest i've ever cried, and i had not cried in maybe 7 years up until that point. I broke down, snot came out of my nose and i just kept repeating it to myself that "it's not fair." I cleaned myself up, went to bed that night and my severe anxiety symptons were completely absent the next morning. I was in absolute shock. I felt like a demon had left me and i seriously attribute the-elite as being the main driving force in keeping me sane and getting me through this period. Special thanks to IronStac, Randy, Wodahs, Cynthia, and everyone who attended MOAM 2019.
I believe in myself but i have to be willing to make changes, and i hope the time and courage musters up eventually because my youth is slipping away. Things could always be worse, i could be addicted to drugs or alcohol, i could be in an unhealthy relationship, or my illnesses could be worse. I feel like speedrunning has severely helped my self confidence, i don't think i would be who i am with how hard i worked for some of the times i've gotten in all my past and present games. It's definitely a driving force that has kept me going. Maybe i do waste a lot of hours speedrunnign but i sure as fuck am sick at it and that's been my driving force this whole time, it's done a lot of good for me, and so have you guys. Hope you've learned a bit more about me since it has been more than a year since i've joined the-elite.
Thanks for reading.
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If your bike is still stuck in a single gear, we can likely get that fixed with some basic tools, ingenuity, and possibly some low cost hardware. I have some experience working with bicycles so maybe I can help.
When someone else reports trouble with anxiety or similar issues, I often wonder if there are behaviors I should avoid or positive things I can do to help reduce the risk of an acute incident.
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Right now I am dealing with an injured toe. I landed badly on my big toe about 3 months ago and it still doesn't bend as far as it used to. It is pretty annoying and I try to bend it more every day. I had a similar injury on my other big toe a few years ago but I feel like I was able to bend that one normally by about 2 or 3 months. I'm not ready to give up yet, though.
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It's a waste of time and energy to compare yourself to other people; there's always someone who will have "more" than you. Many of those people are miserable every day. Just try to be the best you. I don't know what your anxiety issue is; just know that most people are too conceited with themselves to notice whatever you're afraid they might and even if they did anyone worth a damn isn't gonna give a ****.
I'm a dino and I have the same problem with "what do you do" so don't worry about it. You have a lot of time to get to wherever your path ends up. Too many people in the world only care about *what* you are; they fail to realize the only thing that matters in the end is *who* you are.
Regarding nothing is looking up for you, I disagree, you seem smart, well aware (*too aware*) and actually trying to take steps to improve, you know how many people in the world don't bother with that?
Money is overrated but dude it's okay to have a donation button.
Also regarding the partner "they would've gone hard" thing--those people are full of crap or they'd be doing it right now. Burnout happens to everyone.
I'm struggling myself in the important matters these days. My income is low with basically zero alternative options and well having friends at this age is a lot harder as they all have kids.
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It's a waste of time and energy to compare yourself to other people; there's always someone who will have "more" than you. Many of those people are miserable every day. Just try to be the best you.
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Thanks for all the support guys :)
Not gonna lie when i woke up and reread some of the things i wrote last night i now feel a bit unnerved for how hard i went but it's the truth so i suppose there's no harm
I think ultimately it is still better for me to not show up with my family at christmas, since in the end it's not exactly me that is trying to compare myself to my cousins, it's just kind of "in the atmosphere" that my cousins get better treatment because of their position which is unfair, so i think it's best to be absent for this year. It's what i want as well
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Sorry to hear about your recent struggles, Ricky. I hope things get better soon. From what I understand healthcare in Denmark is little to no cost. It might be a good idea to meet with a professional therapist who could help you delve deeper into some of your problems, resolve them, and help give you a positive perspective. This is all anecdotal advice and clearly you're better off with a professional, but here are some things you could do.
You're gonna have to be introspective and really try to determine the root cause of the self-esteem, anxiety and depression issues.
-Was school difficult for you? Did kids treat you poorly?
-Was your household unstable and abusive growing up?
-Are you ashamed of something you may have done to someone else?
-Any regrets or guilt that you're holding onto from the past?
I'm not saying any of these apply to you, but try to pinpoint an event or a series of events that may have caused these negative emotions. Most depressed people have a really poor inner monologue that plays in their head over and over again like a broken record.
"life isn't gonna change" "I don't like myself" "everything seems pointless"
Challenge the narrative you're telling yourself and replace it with positive thoughts. It's cliche but a positive attitude is like a natural anti-depressant and does make a difference. As soon as you find yourself deviating from positivity and negativity is filling your head, revert back to constructive thoughts. This will take some practice, but consciously knowing when you're dwelling really helps.
You've shown good self-awareness and have addressed some issues that need to be fixed like the new bike, job, and dental work etc. Once you start feeling better about yourself, consider changing jobs or finding the will to work more hours at your current one so you have money to resolve the above issues. You'll discover that once you start finding solutions to small problems in your life, you'll gain momentum and some of that depression might be alleviated.
Perfect Dark, discord and this community are clearly therapeutic for you and a good way to vent, but start spending more time focusing on what's important in your life and a little less time here.
After reading your post, the most troublesome thing that stood out was how long it takes you to get out of bed in the morning. This is really unhealthy. If you do talk to a professional, it would be good to mention this. As others have said, comparing yourself to other people is always a bad idea. Just live your own life the best you can based on your own capabilities. If you have to avoid family during Xmas, the time away might be good for you. You know better than anyone regarding this. Also, you need to start valuing money more. You aren't materialistic (lots of others share this notion) but you need money to a degree to live, be healthy, and buy necessities. Whatever course of action you take, I hope you find what works for you. Good luck and never hesitate to reach out to anyone here.
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Thank you lark for the great advice.
I shit you know the day after i wrote this whole thing i got an offer that is a once in a lifetime and i simply couldn't turn it down.
My internet friend Cyprys offered me to move in with him in the UK. I feel like this is something i simply can't pass up. I think a lot of my issues largely boil down to being lonely and having little to no support with what i am doing. In the UK i will be living with a friend i met online since 2012. We're very similar in a lot of ways and friends i know and love are not more than an hour away at max.
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I had a friend who likewise often struggled to get out of bed due to depression. I still struggle to make sense of it but it was a cycle for him: because he would feel like he was a failure, he would binge on movies or games, and feel like a worse failure. And feel depressed over it and not get out of bed, which made him feel like a worse failure and more depressed. But I do know it was always far better for him when he had a roommate. I think this opportunity will indeed be good for you. I think it's a good thing you talked it out publicly and I doubt anyone will think less of you for it, but rather more of you.
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Human contact is a very good antidote for a large amount of mental problems.
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Have you consulted with a doctor? Medication could help you feel calmer, focused and free to do what you want to do.
If you’d like you can PM me and I could explain some of what I went through.
A lot of the time we make things worse than they are. People have mentioned ways to fix your bike, work etc.
But until you feel that you’re able to make changes, try to find a stable process to accomplish things that you are at least comfortable with.
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I'm bumping this thread because I want to thank the community.
I made a vaguebook comment in my 2019 review/2020 goals, and I'm still not really ready to share widely - what I do want to make the point on is act kindly around everyone, you never know what they're dealing with behind the scenes.
I've been having a pretty shitty couple of weeks (some of you may have noticed my increased activity on discord/VC/forums/PBs) and the game and community have both been a welcome refuge from the trouble going on in my personal life.
I never made comment on this at the time, but thanks to Ricky for bringing this stuff out and I know that individually you've made significant changes in the intervening months, so I hope they've been positive.
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Bumping this thread again, I just came upon it and would like to add to it. I joined the elite in October 2017, posted a few pbs, and never really got into it. On January 3 2018, my best friend passed away unexpectedly, it turned my world upside down, it brought out anxiety that I had never knew existed inside me, it didnt feel real to know that I would never see him again, that he would pass at the young age of 23. I picked up goldeneye again as a means of trying to keep my mind off things. The monotony of the levels, and trying hard to focus on shaving a few seconds off my time made it easier to run away from the intrusive thoughts. It wasn't until about 2 months later that I decided to stream my runs on twitch, and get involved more with the community. The first eliter I became familiar with was a new player himself, we began to race eachother in any% runs, it was a blast and in that time I met a lot of people who today I would consider my friends. I never told them about why I joined in the first place, but unbeknownst to them the companionship I gained helped me through the hardest time in my life. Thank you to everyone for being there for me (you know who you are) wether you knew it or not you were more support than I could ever ask for. I started speedrunning as a means to escape, and stayed beceuae of the amazing people I met, because of the new hobby that interested me so much.
Now the reason I'm writing this isn't just to share my story, the main reason I'm writing this is to extend my offer of being there for anyone whenever they may need it. I know it's easier to open up to someone when you also know their struggles. If anyone ever reads this, and just wants someone to talk to (stranger or not) my dms are open (discord mainly, here works too). I know what it can feel like to not have anyone to talk to about thses things, and I hope this gives someone the courage to open up about how they're feeling if they need to. I'm no licensed therapist, but my ears are open to anyone who feels the need to talk <3
Much love mates