This one time I decided to run for President in the Republican Party because I wanted to push my multi-billion dollar brand further than it already was. I didn't want to actually win though so I made this absurd proclamation about Mexicans. Then something went wrong. The more and more absurd things I said, the more my poll numbers went up. I tried attacking every candidate with petty insults and making incredibly horrific statements about certain women, but it just wouldn't stop rising. I even went as far as to say we should ban all immigration of muslims to the country. Then my numbers soared! What the hell?! Eventually, I accidentally secured the nomination in a landslide. Oh god. I might actually accidentally win the presidency. It's okay, there's no way I'll win. But just in case I decided to make more absurd statements. During the presidential debates, I attempted a hail mary. The previous president invented ISIS. Literally. People STILL managed to eat that shit up. Election night was a nightmare. I breathed easy when Florida was starting to build a Hillary win. Cool maybe I can sell more shit after this run. But oh god. Florida. Michigan. Wisconsin. Pennsylvania. They all went to me. I somehow accidentally won the president of the United States. I don't know what to do. I have zero plan on defeating ISIS, I need to get Mexico to pay for this wall and I also promised I'd bring every job from China back. What the fuck. Maybe I'll just let Mike Pence do it. I'm so sorry America
